January 28, 2021

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The seven rules of the perfect kitchen disco

Do go the full Sophie Ellis Bextor (who has just released album Songs from the Kitchen Disco) with a sparkly heel, if you feel up to it. Here are some of the other, tried and tested, dos and don’ts:

1. Safety proof the dance area

Within reason. It’s just the two of you in your kitchen after all. You’re not a med students in freshers’ week. It’s very likely – unless you are fortunate to have what they call a full width extension – that your “dance floor” will be situated in close proximity to sharp knives, shelves of glasses, butcher’s hooks and so forth. Let’s face it, most of us could injure ourselves on a fully sprung purpose-built dance floor in a marquee if the conditions were right, so it pays to lock down the area as far as possible. Make sure the dog is safely out of the way. Remove sharp implements. Turn pointy cornered things to the wall. Finally, screw top bottles are your friend; a corkscrew in the hands of someone rushing to get down to Rapper’s Delight is a genuinely dangerous implement.

2. Plan your disco fuel

Great idea to make a cocktail to kick it all off. Rule one of disco night, kitchen or otherwise, is do not rely on mere wine or beer to get you in the mood. What you need is a well-paced drinking schedule starting with a disinhibiting cocktail – but not the sort that makes you want to stand on the table for reasons you can’t remember (eg a white lady),  run around the garden in circles (champagne cocktail) or get into a fight about Princess Diana’s motives/fashion sense (large negroni). 

3. Get the lighting right

You want it to be almost dark. The three things that can put a person off dancing if misjudged, apart from bad music, are: not enough of the right booze; not enough volume; and bright exposing lighting. All of these remain as true for a kitchen disco as for a party. 

4. Eat – but not much

Many kitchen disco pros will stick to medium sized nibbles, simply because a three course carb fest is not recommended if you’re planning on throwing some shapes. And you certainly are.

5. How to dance

Dance like nobody’s watching, because nobody is watching (other half doesn’t count) and because kitchen dancing demands 30 per cent more enthusiasm and innovation than your standard middle-of-a-crowded-dancefloor shuffle. You won’t get in the mood unless you throw caution to the wind. Should you at any point experience bad spins then dancing in your chair, waist up, for a few tracks is allowed and advisable. 

6. Play that funky music

Clearly the success of your kitchen disco hinges on the tunes, and the key to a perfect disco tune is danceability. If you haven’t already committed your tried-and-tested bangers to a birthday party playlist (and, by the way, everyone’s raving about Kylie’s new album, Disco), then it’s well worth doing. Nothing worse than leaping up for a tune with a big beginning and realising it suddenly slows down and leaves you in the lurch looking at your fingernails. Note: Retiring disappointed from the dancefloor in your own house will make you feel cheated because if you can’t guarantee music you want to dance to here then where? Also worth pointing out that kitchen disco night is no time to start assembling that playlist or discussing the merits of one tune over another. Someone questioning your choice of track or saying the forbidden words “I can’t dance to this” is liable to tip the other person over the edge. 

7. Disco etiquette

You must always: dance to the other person’s all time favourite floorfiller; aim to be in a disco mood eg optimistic, flamboyant, extrovert and not tired; refuse to go bed until the neighbours start hammering on the wall or the sun comes up.

Who needs parties?

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